[Mr Garrison's House]

Mr Garrison: Why the hell did you act like that in class Mr Hat?

[Mr Hat doesn't answer]

Mr Garrison: Answer Me!

[No Answer]

Mr Garrison: Well that does it, you're going in the dresser drawer again Mr Hat! You're not coming to school with me tomorrow!

[Puts him in the Drawer]

[Next Morning]

Mr Garrison: Ohhh, what a dreadful sleep...

[Mr Garrison is about to walk out]

Mr Hat: [from the drawer] Let Me out of here... I'm warning you garrison...

Mr Garrison: Aaah, shut the F*ck up Mr Hat!

[in class]

Mr Garrison: Continuing our topic on world war II, the... [stops]

Mr Garrison: Um, where's Eric Cartman?

Kyle: We haven't seen him.

Stan: Yeah, where could he be?

Kenny: Mmph mmmmmph mmph mph mmph!

[class laughs]

Stan: Sick, Kenny!

Cartman: [walks in screen with smile on his face]

Cartman: Eric, where the hell have you been?

Kyle: And Why the hell are you so happy Hippo Ass?

Cartman: I'm in the Grand final for the annual South Park Pie Eating Contest! I ate the most pies out of everyone there in qualifying!

Kyle: Well, there's a Newsflash

Cartman: Um, Kyle, there's no hiding your Jealousy, Kyle, there really isn't.

Stan: When's the final?

Cartman: Saturday. Tomorrow morning. Grand prize is $10,000! If you asshole's don't show up there, i'll kick you squa in the nuts and break your F**king head open!

Kyle: Okay, dude, we'll be there! Gee!

Cartman: I thought so. If i win, i bet I'll get all the Free pie I want!

Stan: Gee, like you really need all that pie, Hippo Ass!

Kenny: Mmph! Cmrtmph mpf mmph fht, mmpph mppph mmmph mmph mph!

[Class laughs]

Cartman: You Piece of Crap! I'll kill you!

[Cartman pulls out a little stick and hits Kenny!]

Mr Garrison: Eric, if you hit Kenny with that stick again, You're going to Counsellor Mackey's office!

Cartman: [Sits down and hits kenny from his seat]

Mr Garrison: That's it Eric. Off to Mr Mackey's office!

Cartman: God Dammit! [eric walks out]

Mr Garrison: Anyway, Children, turn your textbooks to page 108. Now the....

[The boys start whispering]

Stan: Did you hear what Fatass said? He could win $10,000!

Kyle: But we all know what he'd spend it on if he won, Cheesy poofs! And he'd be too fat to move even after the contest!...

Stan: Yeah. For his own good, we have to stop him from winning!

Kyle: But How? Oh wait, i have an idea! [whispers to stan and kenny]

Stan: Cool!


[in Mr Mackey's office]

Mr Mackey: Okay Craig, we're here to get to the root of your behavior problem, m'kay.

Craig: I don't have a behaviour problem.

Mr Mackey: Oh yes you do... no if you can't accept that then you...

[Craig gives Mr Mackey the finger]

Mr Mackey: HEY, did you just flip me off?

Craig: No

Mr Mackey: YES YOU DID, M'KAY! THAT DOES IT, LETS GO! YOU WANT A FIGHT? YOU GOT ONE, BITCH! LETS GO, M'KAY!

[Mr Mackey puts his fists up in a fighting position]

[But then Craig kicks Mr Mackey in the Nuts and walks away!]

Mr Mackey: Oh sh*t, M'kay!

Cartman walks in: Gee what happened Mr Mackey?

Mr Mackey: Oh, that little son-of-a-bitch Craig kicked me, m'kay.

Nurse gollum walks past: Oh my god, i'd better get you to my office, Mr Mackey!


[Nurse's office]

Nurse Gollum: Looks like you'll be fine, Mr Mackey

Mr Mackey: It still hurts though. Oh, eric, what did Mr Garrison send you to me for this time?

Cartman: I whacked Kenny with a Stick 'cos he called me Fat!

Mr Mackey: Well, what prompted him to call you fat?

Cartman: Well, i made it to the grand final of the SP Pie Eating Contest.

Mr Mackey: Oh DEAR GOD! I wouldn't go if I were you, you'll be so fat afterwards that you'd fall in the Grand Canyon and Get stuck, M'kay?

Cartman: WHAT? You son of a bitch, don't call me fat!

Mr Mackey: I didnt, i said you'd be that fat if you entered, m'kay?

Cartman: YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!!

[Cartman pulls out his little stick and starts hitting Mr Mackey]

Mr Mackey: OW, OH, OWW, OW, M'Kay! Get me an ambulance! M'kay!

[Garrison's House]

Mr Garrison: Okay, i'll let you out now [opens drawer]

Mr Hat: You... will... die... Garrison...

Mr Garrison: What?

Mr Hat: My whole life, all you ever did was shove your hand up my ass and use me like some f*cking puppet, but i have feelings too! And this is the night I get my Revenge! HAHAHAHA!

[Mr Hat pulls out a knife fron under his hat and swipes at Mr Garrison]

Mr Garrison: HOLY SHIT!!!

[Mr Garrison gets slashed by Mr Hat]

[Jimbo, his neighbour, comes over with his gun]

Uncle Jimbo: What are you doing you stupid puppet? [Jimbo shoots and kills Mr Hat]

Mr Garrison: Noooo!

Jimbo: Lets get you to the Hospital Mr Garrison...

Mr Garrison: MR HAATTTT!!!!!!!

[Stan's House]

[Stan, Kyle and Kenny are watching Terrance and Phillip]

Phillip: Hey Terrance, what did the French prostitute say to the English Prime Minister?

Terrance: I don't know Terrance, What?

Phillip: [Farts]

Both together: Hahahaha!

Kyle, Stan and Kenny: HAHAHA!

Stan: Dude, that was sweet!

Stan's Mom from other room: STANLEY! I told you so many times not to watch terrance and phillip! I'm warning you Stanley!

Stan: Okay, okay mom...

[Kyle flicks through the channels and end up on The Channel 4 news]

Newsreader: And Extreme Pain and agony was felt by a Denver man today as he got kicked in the balls. More on that later

Newsreader: But in the meantime, Preparations have begun for South Park's prime event, the Annual South Park Pie Eating Final. Here with a live report is a Little Drunk guy in a Chicken Suit...

Reporter: Thanks tom, it looks like the South Park Pie Eating FinalContest is gonna be huge this year, with an expected turnout of 100 people from all across the state. Dozens of contestants have been competing through the week, and they have been narrowed down to 5 finalists. Here i am right now with finalist #3, Eric Cartman.

Reporter: So Eric, what do you expect the outcome to be?

Cartman: I will destroy all oppositionyaah! blahahah!

Reporter: Hey, weren't you that kid who beat up the cleaner last year?

Cartman: 'ay! I'm not answering any more questions! No Cameras!

[Cartman puts his hand over the the Camera]

[Hell's Pass Hospital]

Dr Doctor: You'll be fine Mr Garrison. It was only a surface cut. We'll fix you up with a bandaid and get you outta here.

Nurse: [from other room] Hurry Doctor, we've got a decapitated patient in here...

Dr Doctor: Coming Nurse... [leaves room]

[Mr Garrison holds the old Hat of the now dead Mr Hat starts Crying]

Mr Garrison: Oh Mr Hat... Why did you have to die? Why?

[patient next door opens the curtain]

Mr Mackey: Uh, hi Mr Garrison, M'kay.

Mr Garrison: Mr Mackey?

Mr Mackey: Yuh, it's me, M'kay. That little bastard Eric Assaulted me, m'kay. I heard about you and Mr Hat...

Mr Garrison: *sniff*

Mr Mackey: Although it may not be much, i got you a little something.

[Mr Mackey pulls out a little Mr Hat-like puppet with an indian hat]

Mr Mackey: Uh, say hello to Mr Turban, M'kay!

Mr Garrison: Thank you Mr Mackey. But it will never be the same as Mr Hat...

Mr Mackey: Sure it can!

Mr Garrison: Your... your right. [puts the puppet on his hand, and smiles]

[At the contest]

Mayor: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 897th annual South Park Pie Eat Grand Final!

[crowd applauds]

Mayor: Well, let's hand it over to the South Park Pie Eat President, Jimbo Kearn!

Uncle Jimbo: Thank you, Mayor! As you know, the Pie Eat is into it's 897th proud year.

Mayor: The winner of this year's pie eat will win a years supply of Pies and $5000 courtesy of the Burger King-Colorado milk merger : Colorado Milk Drains the cow and Burger King Fries it!

Jimbo: Oh my god! How could they do that to our beloved cows! Up yours Burger King-Milk Merger!

Mayor: Jimbo, please...

Jimbo: I won't be a part of this crap anymore! [walks off the stage]

Mayor: So let's let's meet the grand final line-up:

Mayor: Finalist #1 is none other than the 1 and only Fat abbott from Cill Bosby's famous TV series!

[crowd applauds]

Fat Abbott: HEEY HEEY HEEY! You're looking good today, Mayor!

Mayor: I'm looking good today?

Fat Abbott: Yeah bitch! You look pretty crap now, bitch hoe shit! Open you f*cking ears! Maybe later you suck my dick! Glock Glock, know what i'm saying mutha nigga hoe bitch!?

Mayor: You wanna start something dickhole?!?

[croud goes silent]

Mayor's Assistant #1: [whispers] Mayor, the contest!!

Mayor: Oh, alright. Uhh, lets move on to number 2... Mrs Sheila Browflofski!

Sheila: Hello Mayor!

Mayor: Number 3 is an, er, chunky boy called Eric Cartman...

Cartman: Thank you mayor, i would like to dedicate my performance today to Mr Mackey, my school counsellor who i hospitalized for calling me FAT. HAHAHA! Let it be a lesson for all you sons of bitches out there! And to my fellow contestants, prepare for an ass whoopin'!

Mayor: Umm, Okay, and number 4 and 5 came all the way from Canada to compete here, Terrance And Phillip!

Phillip: Oh Terrance, Look at their stupid american eyes! [farts]

[audience laugh]

Sheila: God Dammit mayor! What are they doing here?

Cartman: Shut up, Bitch! We're about to start!

Mayor: Pie eaters, Ready, set, GO!

[Cartman and Fat abbott are the only ones eating]

Terrance: [farts]

Sheila: WHAT WHAT WHAT! Thats it, DIE TERRANCE AND PHILLIP! [picks up chair and throws it at T&P, just misses]

Kyle, from audience: Hey! I told her to throw her chair at cartman! That was our Master Plan!

Stan: Dude, I think she hates terrance and phillip so much that she was planning to throw the chair at them the whole time!

Kyle: Dammit!

Fat Abbott: Dammit fuck bitch! I agree with da' fat hoe, beady eye canadian faggot bitch shit steal maah showz ratings! No crackass faggot steal my ratings, bitch hoe shit! I'll pop your bitch ass!

[Fat Abbott and Kyles mom run across the stage and start Bashing T&P]

[Cartman eats away. He is on to his 38th full size pie. His stomach is bloating up hugely]

Mayor: 20 seconds to go!

[In a rush, Cartman stuffs 50 pies into his mouth in about 10 seconds! He has just about tripled his fatness. Then, a spooky noise rumbled. A scary noise from cartman's gut. Then, he turns towards the mayor and....]

[He pukes all over her]

Mayor: SHIT! You fat bitch! This was my ONE chance to look GOOD in front of the cameras!

Stan: DUDE, WEAK! [Stan start's spewing through the audience]

[Then, the Mayor puked into the audience. Then, everyone was spewing]

[10 minutes later, everything is covered with spew]

Mayor on stage, covered in barf: Well, every contest has a winner, and, unfortunately, that winner is Eric Cartman. See if you can, get up out of your seat to recieve this cheque for $5000.

[Cartman can't get up. Within 10 minutes, three commanche helicopters were on the scene to lift him up]

Fat Abbott: He He He, Damn hoe shit, you need to lose some friggin weight!

Mayor: What would you like to Say...

Cartman: Arghh... NO... MORE.. PIE... aaah... ohhh

Mayor: Serves you right, you litle whore!

[Helicopters lift him away to take him to the hospital for urgent liposuction]

[Hell's pass hospital]

[Doctors wheel Cartman down corridor with great difficulty]

Mr Garrison: [watching from room] ohhh....

Mr Mackey: Oh, what's wrong Mr Garrison, M'kay?

Mr Garrison: It just isn't the same without Mr Hat...

[Mr Garrison picks up Mr Turban]

Mr Turban: Hi Mr Garrison!

Mr Garrison: Uh, Hi Mr Turban

Mr Turban: You know, i've learned something today. Although we don't want it to happen, people who we are close to can die sometimes, and it can be horrible, but we have to move on, because there's no way we can change the past, and if we had the power to change the past, there'd be no point in life.. no challenges to overcome.

Mr Garrison: Your... your right.

[Mr Garrison picks up Mr Hat's red and white hat and puts it on Mr Turban's head]

Mr Garrison: Cummon Mr Turban, let's go home.

Mr Turban: Okay. Hey, you can call me Mr Hat.

Mr Garrison: Okay... Mr Hat. Thank you. Ooh, what a wonderful day!